Black Dots

Have you taken the right path in life? The right path for you? Do you feel that something is missing? Is there an emptiness?

Maybe you go to church every Sunday, you do Bible studies, you have Christian friends, you try to always do the right thing. What is missing?

I was raised to go to church every Sunday. I was told about heaven and scared about going to hell. I tried to be a really good person, and yet.. I was crying out to God so often, wondering why I felt the way that I did.

A nun told my 1st grade class that every time we sin, we would get a black dot on our soul. Once our soul is full of the black dots and all black, there was no turning back. We would have only hell to look forward to. Can you imagine what that did to me and the children I went to school with? Young children are so impressionable and believe what those in authority tell us. I don't know about the others, but I sure believed her.

I reached an age where I knew my soul was black. With the lies and bad things I did in my life, surely I was now going to hell. The crazy thing was, at this age of realizing that I had sinned often, I was old enough to know better, to know that the nun was out of her mind telling young children this story, but there was a part of me that sincerely believed it. The years after that (knowing my soul was pure black) were black..selfish, very worldly.

I stopped going to church after the 8th grade.. I visited friend's churches occassionally, but I didn't feel worthy of doing anything more than just visiting. I even had some people pray for me and prostelitize to me when I was in my 20's and when I could not accept that they were telling me, they cried. They said they wanted to see me in Heaven someday and if I did not accept Jesus soon, that might not happen.

I didn't feel good enough, Christian enough, holy enough. I felt that if people really knew the real me, they would stay 10 ft. away, or rather shun me. My thoughts were not always pure.. my past was something out of movie...surely God could not forgive me!! I mean really!

Everyone said.. just say this sinner's prayer and God will take care of the rest. Well, that is like telling someone... just sit here on this couch and a job will fall into your lap. God does want to complete what He started in us.. but He does need a little bit of our help. If we don't hear Him, He will send people our way to help us get on the right path.. but we have to be open to that. I had people in malls walk up to me and give me pamplets. I had people walk up to me at the beach and at the grocery store. It was a little embarrassing.. because it happened a lot. I look back now and see that God had a hand in this.. He knew how dense I was and was really trying to get the point across!!

I realized later in life, that I really didn't know Who God was. Who was this Jesus that could come and cleanse me of my sin, and asked for nothing but my faith. How could I have faith in someone I could not see? I wanted to much to believe. I wanted so much to fit in. Everyone else seemed to understand, seemed confident and I still felt lost.

Who is God? How can you really describe the indescribable? How can you put into words the immenseness of Who God is? Is He church? Is He the Bible? What is He? Was going to church enough? Why was I still empty?

It wasn't until I started to pray...not the rote prayers of my childhood, and not what people told me to pray. I started to ask Jesus to reveal Himself to me. Now I pray for that daily. I didn't have a mountain experience in my walk with the Lord, like some people do. I did not have a honeymoon period in the beginning, if that is what you want to call it. But, I can say, that when I pray, when I find that little bit of time to be alone with the Lord. In my home, my car, where ever I am.. I feel something. The more I do it, the closer I feel. Sometimes, I don't use words to pray. I just sit. I ask Jesus if He has anything for me that day. I do get up at times and feel that I had no connection at all...but then, as God usually works in my life, I see things all day long that can only be from God. He opens my eyes to goodness, to laughter, to His holiness in many ways.

I find that these times with Jesus are my favorite. Another favorite time is when I am singing and praising Him with others. Worship is such a special time in church. I close my eyes and I feel the music and I ponder the words in the songs being sung... and as I and all of the others are sharing our love for God with the joy of singing, I feel Him.

I found my Jesus when I was alone and when I begged Him to be in my life and I took the time to "just be" with Him.

I am not saying to not go to church.. of course not. I am not saying that God's Word in the Bible isn't created for us to read and to help us. It truly is for us and from God. What I am saying is that God is this and so much more. I went to church for years and never questioned anything or anyone. I wanted so badly to be clean, to be accepted, that I believed what seasoned Christians told me. I listened to how they interpreted the Bible. I stood on the hardline of fundamentalism with fists clenched tight and with a self righteousness of believing that "I knew it all." Of course, because I studied the Word, I went to church, I wore the right apparel, I tried to look the part and be the perfect Christian.

I am here to tell you that no one knows it all. And, when someone says something to you that doesn't sit well with your heart, question it! And, if you speak to a pastor or a seasoned Christian and what they say doesn't sit right with you, question it! Go to God Himself. Even the most scholarly and well intentioned of Christians might have it wrong once in awhile... We can intercede for others with prayer, and they can do the same for us, but we can also go to God without a middle man. This was a concept I that was hard for me to accept, because I was raised in the Catholic faith. We weren't even given Bibles in parochial school.

Church is a special place... and there are so many different kinds of churches! Try many! You might find that one holds a special place for you. A place where God may want you to be for awhile, to grow, to make friendships, to learn. But, it is in that quiet personal time with the Lord, that time for just you and Him, where a personal relationship with Christ is truly born. It is that "personal relationship" that Jesus longs for with us.. and our heart longs for with Him! It is when you start to build that foundation, and that relationship, where the emptiness starts to disappear, the lonliness goes away. This is where God fills you so full, that when you are overfilled with His Spirit and His love, you reflect Him. This is when you realize what it is truly meant to be a "Christian". This is when God transforms you, and you let Him.

Our Abba Father is waiting for us to come to Him. He longs to hold us. Like a father or mother who has not seen their child in years, He waits and longs for us to come to Him. He longs for us to know Him and to trust Him.

For the nun who told me that my soul would fill with black dots.... I do forgive her. She meant well. It is the way of many to scare us into goodness and belief. I think there is a better way, but she truly did not mean to hurt us...she wanted to save us. (Jesus never used scare tactics)

So, you've said the sinner's prayer (which can be whatever words you want to use). Now what? Spend time alone and know that God is with you. He has always been with you. He is listening and He will finish what He has started in you. Find a church you love and feel comfortable in. If you have questions...please ask questions! Human beings are not perfect, but they are trying to do the right thing for you.

Know that God is pure love! Pure love. Where there is light there can be no darkness. God is pure light. We bring the wrath of darkness upon ourselves if we step out of His light. Why would we want to do that? ( 1 John: 5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin. )

Read the Bible, Pray, Find Alone Time With God, Find a good church, God will lead you to the rest.

I would choose a church which endeavors to practice what it preaches, translating its beliefs into everyday life. . ." I would choose a church which endeavors to practice what it preaches, translating its beliefs into everyday life. . ." Billy Graham


Blessings and Love be with you. I pray that you will embrace God with your whole heart today and live a life of the fullness that God wants for you. He wants that for you today. You don't need to wait until you get to heaven...He wants that for you today!